This is such a topic I struggle with which is why I want to get this off my chest.
I’m doing intense therapy and my therapist and group therapists all thought it would be a good idea for me to get this topic written out (along with a few others that will come later).
I’ve struggled with weight issues my whole life. Even as a child. I was never “thin”. I was constantly bullied for my weight. I’ve been called every single name under the sun that you could call someone whose heavy.
It killed. It killed to the point where I got so sick of it that the summer before high school, I decided that I would diet all summer, get active and get “skinny”. That’s what I did.. but it ended up twisting a different route.
I ended up getting too active and too skinny. And kept that pattern going all through high school and even after the fact.
I was at one point eating a salad a day and exercising every day for at least 2 hours a day.
I honestly remember crying because I could never get a size 0 jeans past my hips and buttoned.
After high school, I did keep this up for awhile because I did get in to modeling a little bit and didn’t wanna be the “chunky girl with a pretty face”. Although a lot of the other girls were still smaller than me.
I also picked up running. A lot of it too. I ran like 4 times a week, multiple miles.
Each thanksgiving for 4 years I ran 9 miles and had myself up to 9 miles running without stopping and not even tired (see above picture).
I began CrossFit and weight lifting as well to tone up and bulk up.
I really began struggling with my mental health after high school, along with when I had multiple things happen to me.
I always had some sort of anxiety and let things always get me down. I really kicked off though and got diagnosed in my mid 20’s.
Now here’s where the struggles came even more..
I stopped caring about myself and just ate what I wanted.
I spiraled more and more with my mental health I just ate and wanted to die.
I got myself up to 225 pounds. Shit to say. Comments being made to me about my weight and that I need to push myself to get it off and all this other garbage. When in reality, my mental health was so bad I couldn’t. Yes, I still exercised. But I constantly ate because I just had no control over anything else.
I developed body dysmorphia where I just saw this “huge whale”, as I called myself, in the mirror. I hated myself and hated how I looked. That was all I saw. I just saw this big person. Being constantly reminded about it too really added to it. I had myself so convinced that I was unattractive now and everyone hated me for this weight gain.
I did decide that earlier this summer I really needed to start to help myself because I didn’t want to live like this and I was honestly just making things 100% worse for me. Also noticing some health things pop up that scared me.
That statement above is what I’m trying to tell myself every day. When I first started this, I was fixated on this and constantly weighed myself.
I was spiraling my anxiety more. Which was affecting my mental health again. Began comparing myself to other girls, degrading myself. Lacking more self confidence. Letting comments get to me.
I’m happy to finally say I got myself off that scale constant. I’m lucky if I weigh now 2 times a month.
Last I weighed I was down to 210. Which is 15 pounds lighter. I’m happy with the progress but I know I can do better. I’m portioning things now and just being more cautious of my eating habits.
Here’s me now being 210. Weightlifting, lucky if I’m able to run 2 miles at this point. Working through mental health issues. Plus, some gain from medications.
I do lapse and still struggle at times. I’m not going to lie. I still put myself down. However, I have the right people in my life who are uplifting and help me though anything and everything.
The therapy and all I’m taking care of myself and addressing past things that I’ve buried and let build up. I don’t want to live in and focus on my past. I’m ready for my future and a happy one.